Treading water

I'm so wordy when I write these things, and try to sound all deep and philosophical. So I erased it. And I am trying over. How am I doing? Ha, I'm glad you asked; I'll tell ya. I'm more aware now than ever that there is a spiritual world that fights over us. I'm not saying that we have no control over our lives (although each day I'm finding that I have less control than I think). In a way, I feel very valued that two sides want me bad enough that they are fighting over me--all those gym class nightmares of being picked last are washing away:). One example...my heart was starting to hurt from work...I have this amazing job where we get to be up front with some serious needs young adults have and try to ease those needs. It's amazing. But at the same time, our hands are tied by the program. Even though I know a kid is hungry, or has no way to earn money, I can't give him mine. It is a feeling that embodies powerlessness. I was building up with that feeling until last wed at housechurch. (ps...i'm finding more and more that those subtle emotions that grow are one of the biggest warfare tricks used on me) It was the end of church, and we were praying. I didn't know a lot of what to say, it was kind of the epitamy of frusteration with God. Then He gave me this little gift while I was praying...to ask for help for my kids. I don't know why the thought hadn't crossed my mind-I'm ashamed to say that it didn't, but it was amazing how much peace was given to me in that moment of clarity. One small battle that God won.
I felt honored to be given the eyes to see that battle. Most of the time I feel very out of the loop until that whole hindsight thing kicks in. We went camping this weekend at this beautiful reservoir where the water was this amazing tropic color *c cj's photos. There was a point when we were all settled and exploring the landscape. There was a bay, and D was navigating the terrain around it and was halfway around to the other side. Well, my adventure itch kicked in, and I got the idea to swim across the bay...#1 because I wanted to see what was around the corner, #2 because I don't get to swim in mountain lakes very often and wanted to prove I could do it, and #3 I wanted to see if I could get across faster by swimming than walking around on shore. So after being wishy washy for a min. I got enough confidence from my girls and plopped in. As I was reaching halfway (with my breath being sucked out from the cold water and little waves and nervousness) I ended up doing this funky side stroke (:) I felt like my mom) and treading water thing. Ha, and you would think that treading water in the middle of a bay of cold mountain lake water, as you start to get doubts and wonder why the heck you are so crazy, you would think that it would be a foreign feeling. Nope. How much of my life do I feel like I am treading water, oblivious to the bigger picture, just trying to make it across. And then as little cold waves get a little to close to comfort to your breathing, you start to panic.
I don't really know what all of this means, as Stacie would say, I am word vomiting. I know reading long blogs can be tiring:) so I thank you for putting up with me. I didn't want the tone of this to be negative, cause I think that it's amazing all the things that I am learning...number one, that I'm really glad I jumped in. Thank you for encouraging me to "jump".
Sarah