Is anyone reading this?

Since I found out about this blog site, I've been reluctant to post anything because of the simple fact of others seeing how I'm struggling. Here's the thing...IT'S DIFFICULT RIGHT NOW.

So, in an attempt to process some of what I'm feeling/experiencing right now, I'd like to share with you, and more than likely in fragmented thoughts, what's going on inside of my mind/heart. I'm currently in Austin, TX at the National Worship Leaders Conference and am experiencing God in some very cool ways. God has once again proven to me that He is good and that He is justly and graciously in control of my life. I didn't want to come and gain a mass of knowledge about how to "pull off" a sound worship service, but, wanted to learn how to live into becoming a tool that is used to lead people to the throne of God. As I walked into the sanctuary here at Riverbend Church, I quickly felt walls being built within my heart. This church building's appearance and setup encompassed precisely what I have been "turned off" by in the suburban church of Bible-belt America. With that being said, I am in no way saying Riverbend Church is not pursuing God, or doing great works for God's Kingdom; however, I am trying to point at the battles going on within myself. So from the minute I stepped into the church up 'til now, I've attempted to deconstruct the very barriers that have been preventing me from experiencing God fully here in Austin. So, I pray.

Yesterday, Matt Redman led a worship set starting with Blessed Be Your Name. Now, I've sang/led this song many times and have grown to love it, but also have grown comfortable with it (comfort can be a dangerous thing...comfort turning into discomfort can also be a dangerous thing). The past couple of weeks I have been having conversations with God about why He gives then takes away. Why do I have a great family, but feel like they are being taken away by this calling I have for Eugene? Why, when everything was going well at One|Accord, do a group of us decide to step out into the unknown and have things be made difficult? Why, when I start to develop such a love and adoration for a young lady, do I feel like I'm being ripped away from that close proximity? It's simple...

I don't have a clue.

But, yesterday reminded me that I must choose everyday to cry out "blessed be Your name, Lord. You are truly my strength in time of need and my Sustainer in life."

You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say.
Lord, blessed be Your name.

It's a choice each day. Paul writes in Romans 5, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." He doesn't say that we should beg and plead with God to bring understanding to our sufferings, but that we should rejoice. And for me right now, that means that I must choose to say, "blessed be Your name." But what about these feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, etc.? I know they are valid. I know they are real. This morning in a main session, Dr. Leonard Sweet spoke about our lives being a holistic experience (mental, emotional, spiritual), instead of it being fragmented and our mental, emotional, and spiritual being separate from each other. So much of our worship, or our lives in reaction to what God is doing, involves the mental, emotional, and spiritual. I think it's "ok" to feel frustration with things in life, but still be crying, "blessed be Your name."

This is long, and I apologize if you're still reading, but also thank you for sticking with this post. Love you all.

[colb]